Story of my life.

Ok, so maybe I am. This post was actually stolen straight out of the July 7 issue. It’s the first in what I hope will be a continuing column of mine that is supposed to talk about movies. I’m easily distracted, so there’s a good chance other topics will come up. But this first one is on target, just like Luke bullseying womp rats in his T-16 back home. And because I’ve feeling productive, I’ll even throw in a few illustrations that you can’t get anywhere else (except out on the web where I found them). But I mean you can’t get them in the print edition…. which you really can’t get anymore because it’s been off stands for a while. So, yeah, here’s the column.

Redo redux

Last week three of the top five highest grossing movies in the country were either a) a sequel or b) based on a 1980s franchise. Prevailing wisdom seems to think that this is because Hollywood has gotten lazy or uncreative. Why bother coming up with something new when you can just steal something bankable from the past?
I’m not so sure that’s really what they’re thinking, though. I believe they’re far more perceptive than we tend to give them credit for. The Spanish philosopher George Santayana said those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it, and I would posit that those who remember the past too fondly will suffer the same fate. I’m not so sure if this recent spate of nostalgic reminders of childhood isn’t more than a reflection of the collective narcissism of a generation.

Lesser known quote: "You folks from the '80s are screwed."

Admit it, whether called Gen Y, the Millennials or Boomerspawn, kids who spent even part of their childhood in the 1980s have an almost uncanny ability to wax romantically about how awesome things from their youth were, be it the Thundercats or OK Soda (technically of the early 90s). And I’m not judging here; I include myself in that group.

The epitome of awesome.

Thing is, Hollywood is full of smart people. They might be money-sucking vampires, but they’re not stupid. They see this collective obsession and run with it. And can we blame them? Obviously people are willing to fork over good money to see these re-imaginings or in cases reboots like Batman (which for people like me will always be a 1989 movie because we won’t talk about the 1966 version). Are they the bad guys for capitalizing on that?
My problem is that I’m afraid it’s going to get out of hand, if it hasn’t already. Hollywood is traditionally not exactly a poster child for restraint. I’m afraid they’re going to go to the well a few too many times here, and instead of movies like the A-Team and Karate Kid – both of which I’ve actually heard good things about – they’re going to be strip mining the past for anything that will strike a resonating chord enough to get us to the box office.
For example, a re-imagining of Small Wonder. Except to make it grittier, combine the franchise with a reboot of Terminator.
(In case anyone from Hollywood is reading this, I’d appreciate royalties for the idea).

She'll be back.

Here’s how I imagine that going:
Studio Executive: The A-Team and Karate Kid are killing us! Can’t you feed the writers some LSD? Give them a magic marker, a turtle and a grand piano and see what happens.
Underling: Well, sir, we have this idea. It’s not very good, but it involves sending a Voice Input Child Indenticant cleverly named “Vicki” back in time to kill the leader of a human resistance. The working title is Terminal Wonder.
Executive: That’s garbage! But if we had her go back in time to kill the TV writers who created her, that would make us original…
Underling: Magnificent idea, sir! But that wouldn’t really make us original since the movie would be fiction, and we live in reality.
Executive: Not if I say we don’t. Green light.
Granted, I’ve never worked in Hollywood, but I’ve been to production meetings that sound something like this. I just imagine the view is better in California.
If it comes to that, though, I’m not sure we’ll have anyone to blame but ourselves.